The Irk The River Guide on how not to talk about your music group in 2011

Irk The River have decided the best way to talk about and promote our group is this blog. Your group may choose other means but whatever method you use there are some golden rules that we feel you should stick to in order to stop yourselves looking like a bunch of pipes.

Music groups of the world DO NOT:

1.       Go on about your influences – Chances are that you aren't going to sound like them anyway. If the only thing your group offer is that you sound like something else then you need a re-think.

2.       Bleat on endlessly about where you’re from. If all you are is a place where you are from then that’s a sad state of affairs. A popular music track by a certain popular music group comes to mind; “wearing your birthplace/like a murder victim’s overcoat” – ‘Disneyland MCR’ by Irk The River.

3.       List all your Band Member’s Full Names. Who cares? Who actually cares what you are called? Not even you mum. Unless you’re Paul Simon or Jesus nobody has heard of you and whatever your name happens to be is totally irrelevant. Your own Dad doesn't even care (why don't you just get a steady job and prove the old man wrong huh?).

4.       Do ‘the sentence’. “(X) sound like the love child of (insert a band X) and (insert a band X) vomiting to the sound of (insert a band X) after eating too many pancakes on Shrove Tuesday”. These sentences don’t mean anything. They are stupid. They are another way of listing your stupid influences (see 1) while making you all sound like an even bigger bunch of turds than you actually are.

5.       Have photos of you all stood against a wall, looking nonchalantly in different directions like you are all just having a nice rest. See what you’ve just done? You’ve just created a visual piece of history that illustrates your group are a bunch of absolute pipes.

CB